Pastures New

This blog has moved but where I cannot say. Expect more news shortly.


The Business Model

I had the pleasure of purchasing a copy of the Big Issue from a street vendor, only the other day.
In it, there were a number of general laments against the conditions within our prisons, based on a fundamental misunderstanding of the role of the prison in modern society.

It is not there to deter offenders, as many believe. It is in fact part and parcel of the business model that operates in our society today. It is the bottom rung of the ladder, for those who refuse to accept whatever working conditions our masters care to impose on us.
This is why there is no provision for after-care. If there were, then those in society who were incapable of work would choose to be locked up, by the simple expedient of knocking off a copper’s hat. They would then be assured of some care in the community, something which is sadly lacking in society today.

Meanwhile, while the prisoners are locked up, surely it would make sense, after they had finished trialling medication on them, to set them to work on treadmills generating sustainable electricity eighteen hours a day. Combining this with the medical trials would enable scientists to determine which medications were most effective in ohms, joules and watts, and which particular formula of gruel delivered the greatest output.

I will put it to The Mayor immediately. It must be worth a knighhood at the very least.

The Humble Walking Stick

As time wears on, I think more and more about aquiring a handsome walking stick, or swagger cane. Not only will this help to support my fragile frame as I totter to and from the off-licence, it can also serve as a gentle reminder against other pedestrians who thoughtlessly trespass on my personal space.
I will require one or two modifications.
The lower half will need to be shaved to form a triangular and razor sharp deterrent to any person thinking of seizing the business end, with a view to turning the instrument against it’s owner.
It will also require some electrical apparatus installed, in order to deliver a sharp shock to the assailant.
No gentleman should be seen out without one. I can see a time in the not too distant future when all citizens, able-bodied and infirm alike, will carry a cane in public, just like they did in the good old days.

Rubble et al.

Readers will be fascinated to know that I sit and write in the bay window of my luxury three-bedroomed detached house, somewhere in England. And as I pen these words, I can hear in the background the roar of traffic, as rat-runners hurtle down the road outside, on their way to their vital assignation.
Rather than going to the trouble and expense of upgrading to quadruple double glazing, or indeed bricking up the aperture, I wonder whether the occasional lorry load of rubble deposited in the road outside might not be a simpler option.
Traffic will be required to mount the pavement. This will slow down the flow of cars, and perhaps a giant traffic jam will ensue. Eventually they might get the idea.
Alternatively I may invest in a catapult, and lurk in the bushes ready to shatter their windscreens as they pass. It is possible I could be sponsored to do this by one of the several national windscreen companies, just as small boys are sponsored by enterprising glaziers to heft bricks through windows.


Down our way, most of the houses have been let off to Lithiuanians, fine upstanding citizens all of them, who live to work.
This means that the vans call round at all hours to cart these workers off to slave in the packing sheds on behalf of their masters, on whom more later.
And the swines who drive these vans, who appear to have lost the use of their legs, have taken to announcing their arrival by a blast on the horn.
I don’t mind telling you that I find this unacceptable. There’s something about the modern vehicle horn that jars on the nerves. In the good old day, a gentleman’s carriage would be fitted out with a mellow two-tone horn, designed by a musician with flowing locks.

Rather than dash out in my underpants, and due to the inclement weather we are currently experiencing, I have devised the technique of roaring “F**k off!” at the top of my voice wherever I happen to be in the house.
I have a rich baritone voice, and a good pair of lungs, and the message seems to have got through.
As a bonus, the neighbours have also quietened down.

Standing for Parliament

Regarding my candidature:

it is with tremendous regret that I announce that I am unable to stand for Parliament in my present locality. The incumbent is a super bloke, worse luck, and due to a number of trivial misunderstandings locally I feel it is less than probable that I would gather the necessary support to win the big prize.
Thank you to all of my supporters. I pledge to hold on to the cash donations safely, until such time as I relocate to a more winnable seat.

Shady Past

I do not want to be ruled by Gordon Brown. He is a member of a discredited political party. This bald statement is based on my belief that the Labour Party has ceased to be what the voters thought they were electing. On the other hand, David Cameron is clearly a lightweight. What are we to do? Pray for a hung Parliament?

I would stand for Parliament tomorrow, except for the fact that my life would be public property. My opponents would attack me on the grounds that I have no clear position of most issues, my track record is non-existent, and I have no experience of public speaking. The newspapers would take their side, for entirely different reasons, and the voting public, well who knows what the voting public would do?

I will think about it. In the meantime, those of you who believe that I would make a good MP might like to have a whip round and collect together the deposit. I believe the amount required is £500.
You might argue that I should put this up myself, but then any fool can do that. Calling for subscriptions would be a better measure of my potential support. I will ask around. In the meantime perhaps it would be a good idea to put together a manifesto. I’ll get busy on that.

I should make it clear at this juncture that it is only recently that I have become an upstanding citizen. Prior to that my past is something that most people would want to draw a veil over. But then which of us does not have a soft spot for a citizen with a shady past? We’re not talking here about a criminal lunatic. I’m just a bloke who has knocked about a bit.

Vote now for the candidate with a shady past!